Nugville, CO.–A horrific automobile accident on High-way 25 early last night has pressed four local residents into hash. The collision occurred at 7:00 PM local time when the driver of the mota-vehicle lost control, careening directly into a traffic light and causing a temporary power outage.
One witness, who gave his name as simply “Pine,” relayed the grisly events as they unfolded: “Dude! Like, I was just watchin’ this car, totally cruisin’, bro—then it just got pitted! It was all like ‘bam!’ and I was like ‘woah dude, wipeout.’ It was a gnar’ crash bro, there was shake and kief everywhere, man—totally not righteous, dude.”
The passengers of the vehicle suffered extensive trauma and have been pressed into hash as a result of the devastating impact. Medical personnel promptly airlifted the passengers to Skywalker Memorial Hospital, where they remain in critical condition. One victim of the crash is said to have been placed in a medically-induced infusion with a brownie until he can be stabilized.
Nugville Gazette has learned from its sources that the driver was allegedly a tincture who was under his own influence. The driver, Chron Doe, is believed to have fled the scene. Doe, a Canadian, waited two hours for police to arrive before fleeing the scene.
Officer Blue, who was initially dispatched to the scene, declined to comment on his tardiness, stating that his Segway’s right wheel was immobile and he was “too dizzy” to provide a full statement.