Local Resident Mauled by Caterpillar
Reporter: Walter Chronkind
Nugville, CO. – Local authorities say that a Nugville resident was attacked by a caterpillar while walking on Main Street late last night. Officials say that the caterpillar suddenly attacked and mauled the unidentified woman. She suffered severe lacerations to many of her dankest nugs.
Officer Blue, who was 20 minutes late to the scene due to a Segway malfunction, went on record to say that “this particular individual was walking on the street when a caterpillar of unknown origin accosted this particular individual.”
The officer then provided the victim with medical care until he could fix his Segway and transport the woman on its handlebars to Nugville General Hospital. It is unclear why the officer didn’t call for backup or seek the assistance of an ambulance.
Authorities are saying that the recent warm weather has driven the caterpillars out of their normal environment and into closer proximity with nugs. While attacks on nugs are rare, officials are warning residents not to approach caterpillars as they are wild animals and have been known to feed on nugs.
Residents have been cautioned by authorities to consult professional medical attention immediately if any caterpillar eggs are found in their homes or on their nugs.
Local celebrity and anchor for Nug News @9 Bong Burgundy reportedly witnessed the carnage firsthand. He wasn’t immediately available for comment. He was later treated for post traumatic stress disorder.
Nugville Gazette has learned from its sources that the woman may have been illegally operating a selfie-stick at the time of the incident. Officer Blue declined to comment on these allegations, except to repeatedly mumble “I am the law.”